Story Time: Dictation

To begin this post I will make a statement that you probably have no proof of: I am a lunatic. 


I've never really enjoyed reading. That's not to say that I don't like books, because I love books. Nevertheless, the actual process of reading text has always been a bit of a struggle. My short term memory and lack of concentration skills often leave me reading the same meaningless sentence over and over while my mind is actually considering possible hair styles or a cool new facebook status that will inevitably stun the world. 

Well thank God for audiobooks! Not only does this prevent my abhorrent pronunciation of complex words, but it is also far more convenient than physical books. With the transition to audio versus visual, I finally have the appropriate wording to disguise my idiocy: I am an auditory learner.

Since this is only my second blog, I face the task of writing in a non-academic capacity in which I often wrestle with my brain, trying to find the perfect word to use. However, by the time I start typing the part that I have verbally assembled in my mind, the words vanish. Because of this, I considered the option of simply recording voice memos on my phone before I write so that my thoughts wouldn't have to go through any channels (keyboard, pencil, etc.) other than the synapse that links my head and my voice.

Too bad both my laziness and my aversion to the sound of my own recorded voice prevailed over the voice memo idea. But I am a problem solver. Never will I let something like my voice-consciousness stop me from writing without actually writing...alas! I get the idea to use dictation software! This would eliminate all barriers without having to hear what I perceive to be the awkward, and muffled rasp of my own voice on a recording. First thought, then voice, then text. SO SIMPLE!

So I excitedly download what, according to reviews, seems to the best dictation software in the online market. Upon installation, I  expect for the software to automatically know what I am saying when I speak into my computer's microphone. I anxiously wait the triumph of a problem well-solved...HA. No. Not that AT ALL.

I proceed to open the program, and am presented with a series of stories. Ridiculous stories. Stories about cooking a mean shrimp salad and keeping your lawn both picture and party perfect. I neither desire shrimp, nor do I have an actual yard. So what do these stories have to do with the program? They supposedly help it recognize what your words sound like. The more stories you read, the more accurately your voice will be recognized, or so they say.

So I'm like "Ok. Just a couple stories and then you will have annihilated your challenge and can FINALLY start your blog!"

Awaiting inevitable victory, I read the stories. And as I read about fish and plants, I am able to see which words the computer recognizes and which ones it doesn't. I seem to be doing well. The computer continues to light up green as I trudge through the monotony and frustration of sheerly useless knowledge that belongs nowhere in my brain, but must obnoxiously takes its place anyway, and that I, must allow in.

The end is near! The salad recipe is wrapping up and, at this point, it is 3:00 AM and I can't wait to finally indulge in the voice-recognition software that I have tried so hard to legitimize.

The moment arrives. The story is finished. I don't even think about what I want to say I just start talking nonsense, "Today was like you know ok and then you know it all sort of just ended and the world was still going on and so I went to bed and almost fell asleep but the light kept me up and then you know it was all really awesome". I study the screen, waiting for it to begin writing what I had spoken, and then my glorious text was revealed:

"the aerial oil he narrowing well a yellow also images that it at the the world was still going all of so when that in almost testicle falsely but the lead to me at the you knows all  David really hippocampus"

So wrong. SO wrong. I attempt to calm down as I soothingly reassure myself, "SHIT".  Hours of problem-solving, yet the problem still existed. In my state of near outrage and frustration,  I caught a glance of my clock. It was 5:00 in the morning. I had literally spent 3 hours (during which I should have been sleeping) reading blatantly senseless text, and essentially trying to get a machine to read my thoughts.

TRYING TO GET A MACHINE TO READ MY THOUGHTS.

I am a lunatic. Are you convinced yet? More convincing is yet to come, I assure you.